you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
nutella sex= disaster
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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