just survived the first fart of the relationship.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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