I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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