Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A+ Viking dick
I need to align my fucking chakras
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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