Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
