I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
