I never want to see another naked old woman again.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
