That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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