it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
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Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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