Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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