you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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