It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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