If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
