I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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