if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
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It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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