Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just blew my weed a kiss
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
