every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
