If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.