Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.