I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.