the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"