So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
