Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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