We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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