I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
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you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
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She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."