I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.