sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
