I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
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A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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