I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
