just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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