Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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