his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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