I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
