My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.