Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
