You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
