I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?