mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
