ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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