How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize