trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
