Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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