I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
