and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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