tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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