I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
