i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
