I want to make a zoo with you.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i need some magic done to my vagina
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
