the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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