we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
