I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
