my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
