explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
